Another Friday night, another shot of Mezcal, another leopard print jacket.
Maybe it was my desire to reach perfect balance that lead me to this point.
A point were it felt like there was no return.
I believe it is our own duty as humans with limited time in this earth to be honest with…well, ourselves. So I did what I do best and took myself out for a walk on a Friday night. I wore the most uncomfortable pair of shoes I have because they make me feel comfortable, It’s a pair of cheap boots I bought for $15.00 because I felt I could never commit to the chelsea boot trend.
Here is the thing, I’ve never actually felt I could commit to anything.
I don’t have a bachelors degree or a full on career, because sticking to one thing is terrifying. I am single, because the idea of being with one person is too overwhelming. I can’t commit to a medical insurance plan, a car, living in one place, and I don’t even have a favorite pair of jeans. You know, that pair that looks good but is also surprisingly comfortable?
On this particular Friday night, I felt free. Free from the idea of commitment and free from the social conditions that have forced me to choose anything.
It’s never been explicit, but I feel like I’ve been asked a thousand times to chose all the things above, and I have deliberatively chosen not to chose any. I have had forced friendships, the ones that have a 5-month expiration date and happen only when you don’t want to feel alone. I have taken classes that you only take because they are required, and I’ve tried ice cream flavors I knew I wasn’t going to like, because I believe everything and everyone deserves a chance.
I’ve been observing for a long time, everything and everyone around me. And for the first time in a while, I don’t mind not being part of anything.
I have several friends but not really a group of friends. I have different tastes in food but couldn’t particularly chose one, and my ideal relationship is the kind that is so rare that I would be lucky if I ever meet someone with half the compatibility I would actually like.
Maybe I sound like a picky and needy asshole, and even though my mom keeps telling me I am not…
maybe I am.
When I was younger, I always wondered where lonely people go. Where do they go when they don’t want to be alone? but now I know that it is their choice, and people call them lonely because there is no neologism to describe that feeling without being derogative. At some point of their lives they realized that to be the observer and the omnipresent was their higher purpose, to look up at the sky, the twilight and the moon and realize that in that gargantuan crowd, they were the only ones looking up.
That those moments when they were present and in solitude were the happiest of their lives, and they lived for those times when they knew that from then on, they would chose to see everyone
and for no one to see them.